An Open Letter to Jesus: Come to Austin

Photo by doug88888. Used under Creative Commons.

Dear Jesus-

I hear you’re coming back tomorrow. I know this is really short notice, but I wanted to let you know that if I have any say in the decision about where you come back to, it should be Austin.

Why Austin? Well… let me tell you.

First, when you come back, there will still be tons of people here. We’re not really the type of people you want to take home to Dad, if you get what I mean.

Plus, most people in Austin are from California. Bringing them back would be, like, contradictory to everything in the Gospels about being kind to each other. You can’t be kind to the rest of the people who are going to go back with you and make them suffer with Californians.

Next, there’s shows. Bob Schneider is playing at Antones tomorrow and that’s a show you won’t want to miss. I’m sure you’ve heard him before since you’re, like, all omniscient and shit… but seeing him live? You have to. Tickets are $15 which, I know for you isn’t a whole lot since you’ve got, like, a cattle on a thousand hills or something.

But really, you want to do the Master of Pancakes show at Alamo Drafthouse. It’s sorta like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (Do they have Comedy Central in heaven?), but live and in person. They are doing a Nicholas Cage-off. Seriously, Jesus?

Finally, it’s got to suck to be single for over 2000 years. There’s girls here. Lots of them. And Austin is one of the best single cities in America. Need I say more?

If you don’t decide on Austin, at least do me a favor and try not to choose to return to someplace stupid… like San Antonio… or Los Angeles… or Des Moines.




Love Always,