A Tribute to My iTunes: a Short Story


Photo by Craig Cloutier
A short story.

It’s Raining in Baltimore a little toward Sullivan Street. I guess it’s going to be a Long December Round Here. This happens Time and Time Again. I guess that makes me the Rain King.

So, I’m just going to put my Hand in My Pocket, smoke some Mary Jane, and hope to Wake Up later. Isn’t it Ironic?

Or, sadly, I’ll end up heading Back to Hell since there’s no way to Prevent this Tragedy. It’s the nature of The Poison.

Or better, maybe I’ll wake up in the Arms of a Woman I can call Sweet Pea. And tell All my Friends who will think I’m scraping the Bottom of the Barrel.

That will inevitably lead to a fight where I ask them to Take it Back. Then I’ll feel bad and tell them that Maybe You’re Right and head back to the Old Apartment. I’ll feel bad about my life and imagine what I’d do if I had $1,000,000. Bah, It’s All Been Done.

Later, after I feel bad for awhile, everything will be cool between my friends and I and we will Come Together. Dear Prudence! Oh well. Oh blah Di Oh blah Da, life goes on. I’m so Tired and my life is so Helter Skelter. Good Night, I’m a Loser! Turn on the Rock n’ Roll Music. It’s Still Rock n Roll to Me. I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party. This happens Eight Days a Week.

I could get a hooker. But nah… Can’t Buy me Love. Is there Another Girl? Help! Let it Be… Maybe she’ll Stay.

So I head to Pflugerville…. Rockin’ the Suburbs. I do the Best Imitation of Myself… and Uncle Walter… who is a creepy old guy, so I get nowhere. At least there’s Video.

But I found her! She was an LA Woman which was a Shock to the System. After spending some Mony, Mony and a yippy Rebel Yell, we decide on a White Wedding. Oh What a Night!

She’s Always a Woman… Especially after she gets a Captain Jack and Coke. Yum. She’s already ready to Say Goodbye to Hollywood. She claims a New York State of Mind, but I’m convincing her that Austin is better. It’s just Honesty.

Shit, now she’s talking about Allentown. Pennsylvania?! WTF! And Maybe Miami 2017?! Plan ahead much? She’s too much of an Uptown Girl.

Whatever. I was Born in the U.S.A. and it’s all the U.S.A. Certainly not the Glory Days in Darlington County, thank God. Who likes Jersey anyway?

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm. This is what happens When I Go Out With Artists. We end up back In the Days of Caveman when God Shuffled His Feet. I Think I’ll Disappear now.

It’s Friday i’m in Love. I’m also High and sing a Lovesong. Why Can’t I Be Like You, bring you Close to Me In Between Days. Let’s Go to Bed. Just Say Yes.

Eek, I find out she’s a Woman Like a Man! Run!!!! Does this make her the Blower’s Daughter? Ick! Cheers Darlin’! I don’t want to ask you to Be My Husband. I don’t roll that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! LA Woman, my ass…

So Morning Calls and I think of a Ghost of a Good Thing. There’s Several Ways to Die Trying.

I’m So Damn Lucky. This is woman #40. Six after #34. In case you can’t do basic math. Should I Stay or Leave? On to #41? It’s Out of My Hands. This is the Last Stop. I’m such a Pig she says drunkenly. Go ahead, woman… Crash Into Me. Talk to the Bartender. That’s not water. Don’t Drink the Water. It’s from the Louisiana Bayou where they make Alligator Pie with Big Eyed Fish, Captain…

Heh. Crack a Bottle, you’re drunk. I’ll get you home, babe. Especially with an A*s Like That. I’m So Bad. One shot 2 Shot. It’s Curtain’s Down. We’re Going Through Changes, Slim Shady. Space Bound!

It’s So Easy. Get on the Nighttrain, Mr. Brownstone. You’re Crazy, Sweet Child o’ Mine. Don’t Cry.

I’ve got 99 Problems, girl, and that’s as Real as it Gets. I can’t be Young Forever. I want to Run this Town, but I guess I’ll need an Encore. I’m So Ambitious.

On to the Next One.