10 More Rules For Dealing With Snow

Since it’s a snow day here in Maryland and on much of the east coast, I thought I’d revisit 10 Rules for Dealing with Snow.

Unfortunately, since I wrote that educational post several years ago, it’s apparent that people still don’t get it. So let’s add 10 more rules for dealing with snow. I don’t like to micromanage the snow process, but it’s obvious I need to lay down more rules.

  1. Hills: Driving on hills, particularly when it’s icy, is a dangerous task. On my way into work today, I observed multiple cars having to throw their cars in reverse and back down hills they couldn’t make. The problem here is that you must drive fast. Throw your car in Overdrive (it means “Drive with Extra Snow Capability”) and gun your engine. You need all the momentum you can get to get all the way up that hill.
  2. Shelter: Shelter is important during snow events because no one wants to get wet. I suggest those green table umbrellas at Starbucks. They are very effective at keeping snow off your body. Don’t believe the myth about the weight of snow and collapsing things. It’s false.
  3. Church of Scientology: As Tom Cruise said, if you do, you will be the only person compelled to stop and help those poor souls that wreck their cars because they didn’t know how to handle the conditions. That can make you very late to your appointment at Starbucks under the green umbrella.
  4. Back Roads: Those roads that are windy and hilly are a great escape from all the crazy drivers on the main roads. The plows and salt trucks won’t even be there.
  5. Only Go Out When you need to: For instance, to see Stephen Colbert’s tri-portrait hanging at the Smithsonian feet away from the America’s President’s gallery. Democracy in action and democracy is important.
  6. Bread and Milk: I alluded to this several years ago, but since I wrote the last advisory, my thrifty wife has turned me on to “After Christmas Sales” on milk and bread. It would be a good time to stockpile these very valuable commodities in advance of the snow.
  7. Survival Tips: In line with the last tip, make sure you get a generator for those ice storms. The best place to keep a generator is in your basement as you can get the additional heat generated rising up through the ventilation shafts, floors and under cracks in door.
  8. Video Games: The kids will surely have snow days at school, so make sure you have plenty of video games to keep them occupied. My suggestions for games for kids are Resident Evil, Grand Theft Auto IV or Manhunt (Pretty much any title from Rockstar Games).
  9. Post Office: The post office will not deliver in the snow. There is this slogan that goes something like, “Through rain, sleet or snow, the post office will always deliver” however that actually has been mistranslated over the past century and a half. The real original quote is, “Through rain, sleet or snow, the post office workers will find someplace to hunker down for a hot cup o’ joe”
  10. School’s Out: Finally, always, always, always keep your kids home from school if it looks like it might snow anywhere within 500 miles of you. You can never be too safe

Folks, I really really hope I don’t have to come back in a year and reducate you on snow. Maybe now you’ll listen to me. You’ve been warned.